Gearing up

I'm having a hard time thinking of a title for this post. We are currently in rehearsals for our big show in April. This was our second week with Brenda Wong Aoki and Mark Izu. I am so happy just to be a fly on the wall of this whole thing, although I'm very quickly learning that I'm not a fly since I've got parts and transitions now. When I pushed my drum off stage the wrong way, Janet was like, take the moment to turn your drum and push it off this other way. And I thought to myself, man, I already KNOW that, why didn't I do it correctly?? It's like I have to be this professional now, and though it was nice in the earlier days to be a beginner and not have so much expected of me, I need to start thinking of myself differently. I don't think of myself as a pro yet, but I know that having the correct stage presence and professionalism is expected of me. I don't know when I'll allow myself to think of myself that way. Not yet. I'm still learning whole worlds of things. I haven't earned it yet, not in my mind anyway.

And tonight I went into rehearsal thinking Ok, Kathryn. Just come into with a very open mind, and don't say anything and don't let your own opinions influence the way you look at how things progress. These guys know what they're doing so sit down, shut up and watch these people do the thing you so admire already and you'll learn something. Not that I talk much anyway in rehearsal, not that I argue or try to insert my opinion very often. But I do think things--in my head, even if I don't say them. Things that I know probably hold me back and that I try to block out from my thought processes when we're in the midst of a rehearsal or whatnot. This is my time to learn. I know that. That's part of this journey. When I started playing with Maze, my first goal was to learn everything they could teach. Then it was learn how to learn, particularly things that weren't taught. I had to look at things and say to myself, well I don't know that, so I'll have to teach myself. It's not like I've totally graduated from those things. But now I think my next lesson will be how to learn to think for myself, but I don't feel like I'm there yet, since I think in order to think for yourself you have to learn what there is out there, and the possibilities, and what the process it is to get from the possibilities to the finished product. Maybe once I start to get familiar with those things, then maybe I can start thinking for myself. Wait, that doesn't sound quite right. I do think for myself. Maybe what I'm trying to get at is that I need to try to be more of a contributing member, but before I have the confidence to do that, I have to be able to form opinions that are more open-minded and experienced. Do you see the difference? Maybe that's what my next goal should be. Experience.

Anyhow. Part of Brenda's magic is to invoke the spirits--the spirits of our ancestors, of ghosts, of our community. She's a very wonderful storyteller. Amazing, actually. There was an eerie moment in rehearsal today. We were playing Chikara, and I was thinking to myself, wow, this is a really pretty song. I think my Mom can hear it. I think she's right here listening to me play it. I'm playing it for her. And while I was having this moment, I saw Brenda talking to someone and nodding her head yes, and after we were done with the song, she announced: I know what the role of Maze is! (The story for this whole performance follows a motherless girl wandering the world) You are the mothers of this girl because she has no mother! Isn't that weird? Isn't that weird that I was thinking Mom is here, and at that very same moment Brenda comes to a realization that the taiko drummers represent a motherly ancestral role for the performance? Ok eerie. I will say no more.

I have lots to work on. Janet has given me a mysterious part playing with just her and Mark doing some "really hard" patterns. I don't quite know what that means yet. I have to go buy some mallets though--I've never played taiko with mallets. Hmmmm. But on the brighter side, we have cut Mokuyobi from the set. Everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief when that was suggested. That's kind of funny since I spent a good amount of time this weekend before rehearsal trying to get my Mokuyobi solo in order. I actually can live with it. For now.

Ok, gotta get to work now. I've been summoned to Jury Duty next week, and I'm crossing my fingers I get on a jury since I've already been on juries twice and I know that part of the service requires two-hour lunch breaks (for practicing "really hard" taiko) and going home at 4. We'll see.