Ch-Ch-Changes . . .

. . . Time to face the strain. Time for me to fess-up, folks.

So I don't know if you can tell from reading this blog, but I haven't been involved with Emeryville Taiko for a while. I've actually been on a self-imposed, somewhat unintentional break. I needed it. I needed the time to look at how far I've come, and what I would like to work on for the future, and while I love E'ville, am so indebted to E'ville, I finally decided that in order to continue to grow as a taiko player (and as a person, really), that I needed to leave the group. I've actually thought this for a long time, but was finally asked to let the appropriate people know, and so I did--via email, which I know is wimpy and I will be the first one to fess up to my wimpiness, cause when it comes to people and talking to people, well, I suck at that, and can be way more coherent and intelligent and thoughtful if I can write it down, cause I'm a writer after all. Sounds lame, huh? It is. I felt lame. But a part of me also felt hugely relieved. I don't like secrets, and I've felt for a while that working on taiko with other people had to be kept a secret, though I don't know why, because no one said it had to be a secret. And by "no one" I mean Janet, and why do I feel that talking about working with her needs to be a secret? (But then again everything that I've been doing has been pretty much documented on this blog which I post on the internet for all the world to see, and my name is right there on the front page though no one knows I'm a blogger--cause it's a secret ;) )

Anyhow, I told E'ville, and thought I was free and clear, and then let Janet know, and though she was glad I had done it, she thought also that I needed to make a personal call, ie, on the telephone (which I hate doing. I hate talking on the phone--it's all about body language and eye-contact for me, because worlds of things are being said just by a flick of the eyes or a shift in weight--but I digress). And I was like, AWWwww!! But I already wrote the email! But another part of me was like: she's totally right. I need to do this to make things right. And she said so herself that it was better to deal with the immediate uncomfortableness rather than feel regretful about something, which I felt a twinge of after I had hit send on that email. And I debated and squirmed for a day or two, but finally made the call, and it was not as bad as I thought. Before I made the call, in my head I was thinking: this really is not the hardest thing you've ever done. You've dealt with way harder and more important things in your life. This is just going to be uncomfortable. And it was uncomfortable. And it did not even come close to being the hardest thing I've ever done.

So there. I did it. And now I don't feel regretful. Well, I will miss my taiko classmates and teacher and the comfort of being part of the large group that had been with me for 5+ years. Maybe I just feel a bit of sadness. But things are always changing. And you are always changing, and the thing that I'm learning about life is that you have to change with the world around you. And things sometimes are in your control, and other things aren't, and sometimes you have to give up the control you only thought you had, and that you have to grab a hold of your life sometimes, just grab it by the ears and pull no matter how hard it hurts and move on and change. And if things don't change for you, then just swallow whatever it is that's holding you back and find ways to make things change. What am I saying really?

Grab it. Grab your life . . . and pull.