It's Jazz, Man

Had my first session with jazz musicians last night. Not jazz musicians collaborating with taiko players, but as a taiko player collaborating with jazz musicians. This is definitely a learning experience for me. I embrace it, really I do. But there is a part of me, a tiny part really, that had to snicker in the deepest reaches of my soul when Janet asked when we were supposed to come in, and he said, "Oh, maybe five minutes after the end of the sax solo." So ok, that's what I'm in for.

But I don't want to belittle it. I think there is a large part of me that feels very comfortable holding back and waiting for direction. I like being told exactly what to play and when. Then I can be a perfectionist. I can rehearse, obsess, practice--I have control. I know what to play and when to come in. But with jazz, it's different. There is a lot of feeling of things. I think this is something that works for me. I am a feeler. I sense things, intuit things. I trust my gut more than anything, and more often than not it ends up being right. I know that one of the great hurdles I must overcome as a taiko player is letting go of that sense of wanting to control things, and instead trusting my intuition and gut and just let that intuiting side of me shine through. I have to trust all the things I have learned, all the hours I have spent working on patterns and rhythms, and just allow my hands and body to play. I know these things. I can play them. I can use them as a tool to express all the joy and all the emotions that music embodies that no other medium can capture. But there is a part of me that always holds back. There is that part of me that always wants to be in control, rehearsed, practiced, thought out. If I could just let go! If I could just let it all come out of me, then I would gain such tremendous confidence. 

Well that's a thought.

I mean, I've been writing for a few years now about how I am trying to approach my whole life with an open, beginner's mind. And though I never want to lose that sensibility, maybe it is time to acknowledge that I have learned things. That there are many people along the way who have instilled knowledge and confidence and spirit. I need to take all those lessons and try to apply it. 

This is something to think about. There is always a feeling of stages that I am going through. Like I'm on this journey, and no one is really guiding me, but I always feel like there is something I need to address and work on. The first lesson: learn everything. The second: learn how to learn. Now maybe the next lesson is to learn to trust myself and my experience and learn how to carry my lessons with confidence. It really is like jazz. Take what you know and play with it, innovate, interpret, have fun with it and just let go. 

I will have to work on that.

That's a hard thing, but yeah, I think I'm on to something.