Mills Show!

Had the Mills performance last night. Mixed feelings about that show. As we were waiting backstage for us to be announced, me and Carolyn said the exact same thing at the exact same time, and Bean was like, so don't one of you have to say "jinx?" And of course, I was the foolio who, with great enthusiasm, called out "Jinx!!" What a mistake!!! DO NOT EVER, under any circumstances, call out "JINX!!!" before a performance! When we were playing Kai to Ryu, our toughest, most mind-boggling song, I totally messed up--more than I've ever messed up before in practice or at any other time. That was the song I messed up for the Aiko show with Emeryville Taiko way back when. I will never live that down, and after tonight, I swear that I am the talisman of horror for that song. Luckily I play with talented people who held it together. Carolyn was actually the one who called out which line I needed to play next in order to sync up with the rest of the group. Oh, the horror. Oh, how I must practice Kai to Ryu every day for the rest of my life!

The crowd gave us the blank, what-the-hell-are-they-doing look for our first song, but I kiai-ed away, more to get the energy of Maze on our side than anything. The second song was Kai, but after audience participation, I think we got the crowd on our side, and I started to feel better.

As we were playing Kanki no Wa I was totally trying to tap into the I-want-to-be-a-better-performer side of me, and I was trying to tap that energy from Janet, and was I making faces and smiling at her, and I think it worked because she looked up at me, returning the energy, and though I messed up on my solo, however miniscule-y, I got it all back. It was actually fun. Not perfect, not quite what I had envisioned, but fun. That's important.

But what I think this show taught me was that I need to work on being a better performer. I don't like the way I messed up. I wanted to project more, and I put the honest effort into doing that, but I think I need more time on-stage AND during practice, to achieve that. It's a philosophical thing, I think. I need to start thinking of myself as a performer, need to start projecting not only during performance, but when I'm still working things out. I think I'm lazy about that. If we're having practice, and it's my time to solo my attitude is, oh, I'll work on that at home and be amazing during performance. But I can't be like that. Janet doesn't do that. She'll give it her all during practice and the sweat will be pouring off her and I'll be like: wow, that's so amazing. But I need to aspire to be like that. I need to really sweat during practice, not just for shows (eww, I was so sweaty--it was just dripping down. Yuck).

So that's what I need to work on. We have practice this Sunday. I will be a performer then. And every time I get the chance to play taiko. A performer.